Posted on 35 Comments

Things We lost But Never Had

dad

Photo by Ian on Unsplash

 

Our dad has passed away!

I awoke to my phone’s blue flashing light in the dark of the early morning. My sister had sent a message. It contained no preamble and was straight to the point. The words seemed alive and had movement, and power. The power to send my emotions in a tailspin and permanently alter the course of my life. The power to forever change what I had hoped for.

W H A T happened! I read the message again. “Our father has passed away”!

I walked into the bathroom and stood there trying to digest the information.

My father is dead, I corrected myself, my sire is dead. I searched the vestiges of my mind trying to grasp the fleeting emotions taking flight. Regret, anger, disappointment, sadness, grief and even … love?

It seems that we are somehow genetically programmed to love the people that created and birthed us. As co-author of my dawn he is at least ‘owed’ love? No matter the why’s or the how’s of our life experiences at his hands, love is a top contender in the vying emotions of my grief.

I peered at my face in the early morning light and there I found vestiges of the man he once was. My face, my height, my hair, my mind, my personality and my strength of spirit were all genetically gifted to me from this man … now he was gone. All my life I had always been told I looked and behaved just like him. I recognize in some ways I am indeed a female version of him.

I stood staring in the mirror while my mind desperately sought glimpses/memories of him … and I saw him in myself. For the past two nights I could not sleep, I tossed and turned and this past night especially I had awakened sometime around 3 am.

Suddenly startled in wakefulness I am persuaded that it was around that time that he crossed over. I have always been sensitive like that, a little “knowing”. 

I find that I am sad and have resigning myself to the fact that our chapter is now complete, there will be no words added, no epilogue left in this book. Our relationship has reached its natural conclusion.

Our story has been written.

There will be nothing more for us, our fractured relationship will never mend. I had hoped against hope that he would have a long life ahead and that there would be time…  I am well aware that tomorrow is not promised, but I hoped he would mature and become a granddaddy where he never was a dad.

It will never be.


Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash

 

COVID continues to steal, kill and destroy!

Yesterday I had inquired of my sister as to his state of affairs, there was no real change, he remained in the ICU suffering from COVID-19 and having difficulty breathing. We decided we would pray for him and we did.

I confess I was ill prepared for the message of this morning … our dad has passed away.

I will not  be travelling to Guyana for his funeral due to travel restrictions. I had pondered several times throughout my life what I would feel when he died and I always told myself that I did not care. Now I am in the reality of that situation and I do care!

I have prayed that he had the wherewithal to acknowledge his transgressions and have asked forgiveness and I know that our God is a merciful God. So in this I have hope, to one day to meet the daddy in heaven he never was able to be on the earth.

Be safe everyone.

 

You can read a bit more about my non-relationship with my father here.

 

35 thoughts on “Things We lost But Never Had

  1. I’m sorry. My heart reaches to yours as I read of your father and your past, and yes, we care.

    1. The above posted as anonymous but I’m Cathy from cathysblog. Again, I’m sorry.

  2. 😢 May the Lord comfort you in your time of grief.

  3. All strength your way🖤🖤
    You are a warrior🦋

  4. I’m so so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

    1. Thank you so much.

  5. Dear Pene, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I thank Jesus for giving you hope in his passing. Please know I struggled but with the help of Jesus did finally forgive my parents after they had been gone for many years. Forgiveness is possible even though you cannot talk to him anymore. Please email me if I can be of any help in this for you. juliedibblespeaks@gmail.com. Love in Christ, Julie

    1. Thank you so much. I will keep your lovely offer in mind.
      Have a great day.

      1. You are most welcome sister

  6. Pene, sincere condolences. Saying a prayer for peace and comfort for you and your family.

    1. I appreciate you.

  7. Pene, I am sorry for your loss. It seems like your family has had a lot to bear from Covid19. Take care. <3 Cheryl

    1. Yes COVID is doing his best. Thank you.

  8. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I will continue to pray for you and your family.

    1. COVID is certainly working overtime. Thank you.

  9. I’m sorry to know that you’ve been through so much during a already trying year. Love you ❤️🙏.

    1. Thank you for your love and support. Much love to you and have a great day.

  10. Sorry to hear, condolences! Father, I pray Your peace over my sister and family. As you hold them close, may know you even deeper! In Jesus’ name, Amen!

    1. Amen, I thank you so much. Much peace and love. Have a great day.

  11. So sorry for your loss Pene.

    1. Thank you for your kind thoughts. Have a blessed day.

  12. I am sorry for your loss and I am praying for you. I think in life we try so hard to make sense of everything that makes no sense to us. When I was a little girl, I was with my father in his truck. There had been a big snow and I dropped my puzzle pieces everywhere, when I opened the truck door. My dad tried to help me pick them up and dust off the snow, because I had started to cry. I think of that time now and then. It is kind of like life itself…we want all these puzzle pieces to fit together and not get lost. In the end, the only thing that ever really does make sense is that we allowed ourselves to love…no questions asked, no answers given. It snows on us. We lose things in the snows of life. It is God who brushes the tears from our eyes and promises that all of our puzzle pieces make sense to Him. He just loves us through the blinding snow and clears a path ahead.

    1. A beautiful analogy. I trust Him that all my life experiences work together to make me the person He needs me to be. Struggles in life sometimes equip us to be better servers of others.
      Thank you for your kindness.

  13. I sent my comment to you through email.
    Hugs
    Vicky 🌹

    1. Thank you so much sweet friend. I appreciate you. Stay well.

  14. I am sorry for your loss. I pray for understanding and strength as well as comfort and help to navigate the grief.

    1. Beautifully said … I thank you so much. Have a great day.

  15. So sorry for your loss. Trust that he’s well and much better now and that even in death your relationship can or has already been mended. Love and healing to you and your family ❤️✌🏾.

    1. Thank you my sister.

  16. I am so sorry for your loss and will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. May the love of your Heavenly Father surround you with peace like a comforting blanket and give you rest. Heart & Hugs, friend!

    1. Thank you so much, Have a blessed day!

  17. May the Lord keep you safely in the time of grief !! 💌

    1. Thank you. Have a blessed day.

  18. I am so sorry you did not have a daddy. I can’t imagine life without one. Thank God for a good one. And thank God because he will be daddy to you. Tell him your sorrows, your needs, and your successes. He know you needed a daddy. That was his plan for you. Your title says it so well.

    1. Thank you so much for your kindness. Hope you have a blessed day.

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