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Things We lost But Never Had

dad

Photo by Ian on Unsplash

 

Our dad has passed away!

I awoke to my phone’s blue flashing light in the dark of the early morning. My sister had sent a message. It contained no preamble and was straight to the point. The words seemed alive and had movement, and power. The power to send my emotions in a tailspin and permanently alter the course of my life. The power to forever change what I had hoped for.

W H A T happened! I read the message again. “Our father has passed away”!

I walked into the bathroom and stood there trying to digest the information.

My father is dead, I corrected myself, my sire is dead. I searched the vestiges of my mind trying to grasp the fleeting emotions taking flight. Regret, anger, disappointment, sadness, grief and even … love?

It seems that we are somehow genetically programmed to love the people that created and birthed us. As co-author of my dawn he is at least ‘owed’ love? No matter the why’s or the how’s of our life experiences at his hands, love is a top contender in the vying emotions of my grief.

I peered at my face in the early morning light and there I found vestiges of the man he once was. My face, my height, my hair, my mind, my personality and my strength of spirit were all genetically gifted to me from this man … now he was gone. All my life I had always been told I looked and behaved just like him. I recognize in some ways I am indeed a female version of him.

I stood staring in the mirror while my mind desperately sought glimpses/memories of him … and I saw him in myself. For the past two nights I could not sleep, I tossed and turned and this past night especially I had awakened sometime around 3 am.

Suddenly startled in wakefulness I am persuaded that it was around that time that he crossed over. I have always been sensitive like that, a little “knowing”. 

I find that I am sad and have resigning myself to the fact that our chapter is now complete, there will be no words added, no epilogue left in this book. Our relationship has reached its natural conclusion.

Our story has been written.

There will be nothing more for us, our fractured relationship will never mend. I had hoped against hope that he would have a long life ahead and that there would be time…  I am well aware that tomorrow is not promised, but I hoped he would mature and become a granddaddy where he never was a dad.

It will never be.


Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash

 

COVID continues to steal, kill and destroy!

Yesterday I had inquired of my sister as to his state of affairs, there was no real change, he remained in the ICU suffering from COVID-19 and having difficulty breathing. We decided we would pray for him and we did.

I confess I was ill prepared for the message of this morning … our dad has passed away.

I will not  be travelling to Guyana for his funeral due to travel restrictions. I had pondered several times throughout my life what I would feel when he died and I always told myself that I did not care. Now I am in the reality of that situation and I do care!

I have prayed that he had the wherewithal to acknowledge his transgressions and have asked forgiveness and I know that our God is a merciful God. So in this I have hope, to one day to meet the daddy in heaven he never was able to be on the earth.

Be safe everyone.

 

You can read a bit more about my non-relationship with my father here.

 

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For Every Thing … Give Thanks

Kidney Disease (1)

“Be grateful for what you have, then you will always have more to be grateful for!” (author unknown)

 

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“Today I choose to live with gratitude for the love that fills my heart, the peace that rests within my spirit, and the voice of hope that says all things are possible.” (author unknown)

 

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The joy of the Lord is our strength. For everything, and in every season, let us give thanks…

Have a wonderful, blessed and safe day!!

Posted on 28 Comments

Season’s Change

Yesterday I was pleasantly surprised to note on my drive to work that the world had gotten lighter while I was busy.

Suddenly it’s so bright. This change where the light surreptitiously banishes the darkness and suddenly… behold the light!

Spring, a time of renewal, growth and good and pleasant changes…

Enough of this cold, I am ready for some sunshine though I will undoubtedly complain later about being too hot.

Humans, can’t please us for long.

Thank you Lord I am here in my right mind to enjoy your creations.

Posted on 39 Comments

The Way We Write

Somedays I get many writing ideas, other times not one!

Often in dreams and sometimes while awake. Upon awakening, if I do not write the ideas down quickly I forget.

Other days I must get up to go to work or begin my day and really have no time for the idea at all, so the thought is simply left in yesterday, forgotten.

If time and space permits, I am obedient and answer the call.

When I operate in obedience the post almost writes itself. I do it fluidly, quickly and efficiently.

Sometimes, when I do not take heed to the prompting, it will not leave me alone. It will stay and whisper in my ear until from sheer aggravation, I acquiesce.

So my friends, my question to you is…how do your ideas come?

And what steps do you take if you are not in a position to record it?

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Sunshine Blogger Award

Image result for sunshine blogger images

I am touched beyond words for the honor of being nominated for a ‘Sunshine Blogger Award’!!!! I was nominated by; Jenny Furse of progressinbloom.com….please go and check out her blog show her lots of love. Jenny’s blog exudes love, warmth, practical living and a love of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Sunshine Blogger Award Rules:

  1. Thank the Blogger who nominated you and provide a link back to their blog so others can find them.
  2. List the rules and display an award logo on your blog post.
  3. Answer the 11 Questions the blogger asked you.
  4. Nominate up to 11 new blogs to receive the award and notify them by commenting on any of their posts.
  5. Ask the Nominees 11 new questions.

11 Questions Asked of Me:

1. How long have you been blogging for and why did you start?

I actually began blogging on September 2, 2019. I started because it was always something I wanted to do but was afraid of failing.

2. What makes a blog article worth sticking around for— one you truly enjoy reading?

An article worth staying around for is one that gives the reader the insights, answers or enjoyment that they seek.

3. What is your favorite thing about Fall?

My favorite time of fall is when the leaves are changing colors, when the earth’s temperature gets a little cooler and the days become shorter, there is a certain beauty in what I see as the earth’s renewal.

4. What is your go-to drink?

My go to drink is coffee, I love, love, love coffee, even when I was too young to drink it I just loved the smell of fresh coffee. (Can you tell I love coffee).

5. What favorite treat really hits the sweet spot for you?

I love chocolate, dark brown, light brown, white chocolate, I love it all.

6. Tell me about a favorite date or share a great date night idea.

A favorite date was earlier in my relationship even though we had known each other for over two years at that point (not dating, just friends in passing), we went on a date and spent the whole night sitting in a car and just talking and getting to know each other on a whole different level.

7. Do you have a favorite family tradition?

Being together on Christmas day as a family in our pajamas.

8. What book(s) are you reading right now?

Currently no entertainment books, educational ones on delivering better healthcare.

9. What one piece of advice would you give your younger self?

To be kinder to myself.

10. Do you have a secret or hidden talent?

I cannot think of a hidden talent. Buy I love music and dancing.

11. What is one way you served or blessed someone else recently?

Recently I had a patient who could not afford his prescribed medications, so the other nurse and I paid for and picked his medications from the pharmacy.

And The Nominees:

11 Questions for My Nominees:

  1. What time of day you consider your most creative?
  2. Who/what encouraged your love for writing?
  3. Have you ever regretted posting something on your blog, and if so why?
  4. What is the best advise you have received and from whom?
  5. Name your most defining quality.
  6. What is your favorite meal and why?
  7. What advise would you give yourself 20 years from now?
  8. Who/what is the most influential force in your life?
  9. If you could travel the universe, where would you go?
  10. What do you think of our world today?
  11. Have you ever had a divine encounter, if so tell us a little more about it.

And to all my friends out there, you are by no means less appreciated or forgotten I appreciate and enjoy your words and remain a loyal follower…