A Daddy For Me…

Child holding father's hand, closeup shot on grey background

We were born to a man who did, but maybe should not have sired children.

My sister and I, his first living children.

Our parents met when they were both very young themselves. My mother, then a girl of eighteen years in her first job as a teacher. My father, nineteen and a teacher as well.

Characteristically male he would provide the DNA for several of us. Not to be confused with ‘father’, that right I feel, he has never earned.

A man, who by all accounts is cognitively brilliant…yet emotionally defunct.

Our parents were married when they were nineteen and twenty.

My bonus mom would have it no other way.

Both parents were academically gifted, but my father I’m told was given a large portion of the gift of intelligence coupled with a photographic memory.

An extraordinary human when it came to affairs of the mind. Affairs of the heart, however, an entirely a different story.

Our parents separated when I was three years old and my sister in utero.

We had the love of all our relatives, especially my sister, as she was the baby…but there’s a reason why God designed His rules for a family. We never had a nuclear family.

We did not have a daddy to love us. We knew it, we felt it, we were told it…and we felt this loss profoundly, then and now.

A daddy loves and shapes the hearts and lives of his children, especially his daughters. He teaches them many things including what qualities to seek in a mate later in life.

In his role as head of household, provider, protector and lover of family, my father flunked monumentally.

He was emotionally and geographically distant, a womanizer and a nomad.

He would reappear intermittently throughout the years often not even recognizing my sister when he did.

Growing up, our friends had their dads but we never did. This deficit does not bode well for the developing psyche. Some kids never ‘find’ themselves.

I have wondered what it was like having a father’s love and as I got older the poison of his rejection blossomed into; self-blaming, imaginings of why your own parent would choose to not love and care for you.

He did not support us emotionally, physically or financially throughout this journey of life.

He was after all part author of our story.

Those emotions later evolved into indifference as I concentrated on ‘clearing’ my own path.

He would again re-emerge during my third decade of life with six other children, at least four of them younger than my children.

He asked for my assistance to emigrate to the United States and I agreed for his children’s sake.

Some two years later he would leave his new family to return to Suriname, South America where he lived for much of my life.

I would then hear from him every now and then, sometimes to request money. By this time my sister had concluded her relationship with him permanently.

He showed no real interest in getting to know us, his children or grandchildren.

I finally decided to cut ties with him when during a visit to Guyana three years ago he publicly disrespected the love of my bonus mother.

A woman who had stood in his stead brandishing the mantle that had been his to carry.

A woman who had loved and sacrificed for us so fiercely and unconditionally.

The woman who taught me so much including my love of God and thus the below verses;

Exodus 20:12 — Honor thy father and mother that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord the God giveth thee.

And

Ephesians 6:4 — And ye father’s, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

How to apply these words when the parent never assumed their parental role?

And so with God’s words in my heart and mind always, I feel I have exhausted every effort to have a relationship with him.

I have concluded that he lacks the capacity to love. There must be something so broken, it pilfered the ability to love one’s own children and even oneself.

I see my father as an equal opportunity deserter…he left us all equally…only at differing stages of life.

As I write this today I realize that God is working in me, that there is still a chance for redemption. Where I had previously vowed there was none.

Why did we not have a daddy to love us? I know my own pain, seen the pain in my sister’s eyes, heard her cries as an adult over him.

What was/is so broken in him that is not yet mended?

Can I/we ever love him?

Does he know the love and redemption of God?

Rhetorical questions.

Our God is a God of miracles, he holds the keys..and while we are living there is yet time…the chapter is not yet concluded…

21 Replies to “A Daddy For Me…”

  1. God is father of us all, including your father. His love is unconditional too, so God helped him through you because only the one who is approachable or connected to God can be ‘used’ as medium.
    With every breath God gives us another moment to live.
    Physical father is just another medium or channel to bring you to human being form.
    The meditation that helped me most:
    https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2641985275825745&id=188447071179590&ref=m_notif&notif_t=feedback_reaction_generic

    God bless you.

  2. Sis, I can relate to this on so many levels. Last year, I decided to stop expecting anything. In doing so, I’ve found so much freedom because I have released the source of my disappointment and resolved to simply love as they are right now until shown differently. I may never understand why but I can make sure I’m using my experience to be a good parent to my own children.

    God will take us up when all others forsake us and His ever present love gives us a peace that surpasses all understanding. I hope you and I will one day understand it better by and by.

    1. Just saw your comment in the spam folder…I hear you my dear, perplexing how some can walk away, conversely, my experience has made me even more protective of my children. When you look at their faces you love them so much that you would exchange your life for theirs without consideration. God knows best indeed and I have begun “cleaning house” and in so doing I ask God if I am doing the right thing by letting some persons go. Once I feel a sense of peace, I am good and really am so much more relaxed and happier these days.
      Thank you for your insight.

    2. It’s a hard journey to take. Fortunately, you have found in God the Father that you never had. I sometimes think that if people had been for me who they should have been, would I have felt my need for God? I really don’t know. But I think it is okay to release them into God’s care, praying that He will bless them and bring them to repentance. For me it has taken alienating myself from emotional abuse/abusers and drawing close to God to get to the place where I can ask God to help me see them from His point of view.

      1. Very wise and very true, I used to be the perpetual “tryer” with people who constantly took me for granted. But now as I am older, that is changing.
        Also I think you are correct, I count it all joy that I have always depended on God and He has always shown up for me. I have absolutely no doubts God exists.

      2. Amen. I so agree. God has definitely shown me that He can be all I need Him to be in my life. Although it’s our pain that is used to bring us near, I’m grateful that even in that He is faithful, present, and always working. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

          1. And this my friends is why it is so important for us to be transparent with each other as believers. We can encourage each other and help each other heal when we share our hearts whether healed or still hurting.

  3. Thanks for sharing this part of your story Pene’. I’m sorry your dad was not there. It is possible though. My dad and I hardly ever talked for decades. He is now saved and we have mended our relationship and talk when we can. It is still a strange relationship but better.

    I will be praying for your dad.

  4. Never mind, you have been sent to this lovely world by the Almighty and I am sure you will lack nothing in life because he will provide you everything from his bounty. 🌹🙏

  5. You have a Daddy His name is Abba. This is a hebrew name of God and the translation of Abba is Daddy. Sister there is much freedom in forgiveness. I will remember you in prayer 🙏💞❤️

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